Dear Internet

I have something on my mind.

I have laboured all my life under the belief that I am dependably appropriate and ‘safe’ to take anywhere. That I will act according to the tone and only be a delightful addition to any social gathering.

Could it be that I am actually a boring, trouble making idiot who can’t handle her drink and is ‘getting too old to be pulling this shit’

Intriguing, you say..tell me more.

It’s too shameful. Friday night I took against EVERYONE I was with, stormed off with no money or phone and actually stomped home, Fuelled by rage on foot in the rain. A distance of 6 miles no less and I swear, I do not remember the first 4. The last 2 consisted of me sobbing and regretting my existence.

I’m built like a brick out house so I was never scared, but I was scared that I was getting hypothermia at one point, and I do suffer from very poor circulation so I was in shit state by the time I got back.

I don’t think it’s the first time I’ve done it either.

I remember a drunken rage where me and my best friend fought with fists, another time of sobbing and screaming at another friend, until I cried myself to sleep, sitting on my ex husbands Sergeant Majors (boss) knee in a  whorre-iffic manner and I’m sure I’ve blocked out a fair few other incidents too.

It’s about once every 4 years I’ll do something drastic and shameful but its a fairly regular occurence that I get flashbacks and really not like what I remember.

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of hurting people I love, or being ‘that’ girl, and always feeling on the back foot. As with most really shy people, I over compensate. I drink too quickly and can’t go out sober. I think I know how stupid I look so I drink to be on a level where I don’t notice anymore.

Saffy from Ab Fab says to Eddie one day ‘You’ve always got the best view in the room because you can’t see yourself’ and that is how I feel about myself. I am shocked the day after a session to remember the dirty dancing, the sweating, the frizzy hair, and say never ever again.

But good old booze gives me that little whisper that says ‘you girl are a fucking stunner’ and I like most people believe anything that is flattering.

I want to stop, but I don’t want to stop.

Don’t know how to.

Write back

VP